A Journey from Trichotillomania to God's Saving Grace                                        

CHAPTER ONE:    "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal". II Corinthians 4:16-18

I share with you my journey of compulsive hair pulling (Trichotillomania) not with a boastful heart, but, yet, a heart that hopes to encourage you that recovery is possible. I dedicate this time of sharing to my savior Jesus Christ for without his grace and mercy this time of sharing would not be possible. Thank you, Lord for being the personal God you are.

My young life was much like many others. I am the oldest of four children. My parents were married shortly after high school in the late 1950's. I was raised in a close, loving environment. I feel this is important to share for some may feel that my hair pulling was symptomatic of my environment. I do not feel that my journey with Trichotillomania was a reflection of our family environment. My parents have always been dedicated to the well being of our family unit. My father is a strong loving man with an extremely humorous personality. I think back and he has always been able to make me laugh through the tears of my pain. My mother, a true southern belle, has the softest heart of encouragement; her focus always has been the well- being of her husband and children. God knew I would need special parents and so he gave me Mom and Dad.

In September of 1973, I was preparing for school that morning and went into the bathroom to brush my teeth before going to school. As I brushed my teeth I glanced into the mirror and focused on a hair that for some reason just felt like it should no longer be a part of   the group of other hairs on my head. I pulled out that one and then a few more.  I was locked into a new and totally bizarre behavior that seemed to call my name. Seconds later, on that morning I looked into the sink, now covered in hairs that, just moments before my fingers found them had been in my head. I discarded the hair and went off to school not giving much thought to this first time behavior. Little did I know I had crossed the threshold into twenty-five years of obsessively compulsively pulling my hair out, resulting in baldness.

As the pulling progressed, my parents started noticing the thinness of my hair. After home remedies were not helpful, my parents took to me to the first of many behavioral therapists. I can remember the sadness I felt as mom and I picked daddy up from work in the middle of the day and drove to the doctor's office. I can remember the knot in my throat and my stomach just having this sick feeling that I was going to be put under a microscope and looked at like some new and strange lab culture. After a few weeks of group therapy, the doctor came to the conclusion I was a rebellious child and was pulling my hair out because we had recently relocated to another state due to my father's job promotion. My parents to this day describe me as their most pleasing child, the child that always looked for approval with in them. After a few more attempts with professional help, mom and dad and I sat down with the agreement that we would try to deal with this in our own way. I was very thankful that I would not be made to enter into another doctor's office and have an inventory taken of the damage I had done to my head.

CHAPTER TWO:   As Jesus was walking along He saw a man who was born blind. His followers asked him, "Teacher, whose sin caused this man to be born blind his own sin or his parents' sin?" Jesus answered "It is not this man's sin or his parents' sin that made him blind. This man was born blind so that God's power could be shown in him. John 9:1-3

Two years later: I am now fifteen years old, I am still pulling; at this point in my life the pulling is so bad I could longer cover the baldness. The top of my head has very few hairs. People are starting to stare and ask questions. I feel such a great amount of shame. I start wearing scarves folded over in a triangle tied behind my neck so the other students can not see the top of my head. I feel so ashamed; no one else wears scarves to school. Naturally, this just drew more attention to my head. One day, while walking to class, some fellow students decided to pull my scarf off and toss the scarf back and forth between them. I remember just standing there feeling so out of control. Feeling what it feels like to be a victim. The bell rang and everyone ran off to their next class. I remember bending over and picking up my scarf, seeing my tears hit the concrete floor. It took me years, however, to pick up my self worth and dignity. My grades started to drop because I could not keep focused on the classroom instructions. I always was watching for the next person to pull my scarf off and show my shame.  I did manage to receive my high school diploma and remember feeling as though I had been paroled from prison. It took many years before I returned to school and received certification within the nursing field. 

My husband and I met through work. It was difficult for me to allow myself to become close with anyone. In those days I had learned to work what hair I had to my advantage so that no one could tell I pulled. Ken and I dated off and on for about seven years. I did date a few other men within those years but none of them made me feel as special as Ken did. We married, but it was not until months later that I had the courage to tell him about my hair pulling. I suppose, looking back on it, I was in denial, I was afraid he would not marry me if he knew about the pulling. If I could go back in time, I would have at least allowed him the option of knowing beforehand. He has always told me it would not have changed his feelings regarding our marriage. God greatly blessed me when He brought Ken into my life. During the first few years of our marriage, I did seek therapy again for my pulling but I was not successful.

Seven years into our marriage we were blessed with our only child. He is the joy of our lives. The day we had our son was one of the most difficult days of my life regarding hair pulling. Trichotillomania had robbed me of many pleasures in life, but to have it enter into the delivery room and take away the joy of giving birth to our child was probably the saddest pain it ever caused me. I was so fearful that while in labor someone would see my baldness. I was afraid if the doctor saw what I did he might suggest I was not capable of giving our child proper care. You have to remember…I was thirty years old and I still did not know this hair pulling had a name and that five to eight million Americans suffer from this. I thought I was the only one on the face of the earth that pulled. It took me twenty- one hours to deliver our son. Ken never left my side. I would look into his eyes he knew the question I was asking without words. He would look at me and smile and I knew so far none of my baldness was showing. After Ken and I were alone in the hospital for the first time with our baby, I remember thinking as we held our son, there must be a God to give us this most beautiful little baby boy.  God used the birth of our son to bring me a step closer to him. I had spent many years angry with God blaming him for this disorder in my life and I felt that God did not love me.

In the spring of 1989, I was feeding our son a bottle and watching televison. The author of the book "The Boy Who Could Not Stop Washing" was talking about her book. She started out by discussing obsessive compulsive disorder. Then there was a small discussion about people who pull their hair out. I sat there with our baby in my arms in total shock. I just could not believe my ears! So many emotions flooded me at one time. Things like… I am not the only one who does this… this has a name It was a freeing moment for me. I cried and laughed at the same time. I did not know what emotion to feel first. I ran to the phone, first I phoned my husband, and then I called mom and dad. Mother started crying. We went to the bookstore that evening and ordered a copy of the book. It felt like it took years before I had the copy of the book in my hand. I remember just reading the book over and over. I just could not believe I was not alone within this bizarre behavior which had now haunted me for sixteen years.

Two weeks after finding and reading this book, I talk with Ken. I tell him I am ready to start therapy again. I say to him "I think I can overcome this thing." I can' t make myself say the name but I assure myself that this time I will conquer this thing inside me that causes me to pull.

 Little did I know I was about to begin my toughest battles within Trichotillomania. Ken and I start making phone calls to different doctors seeking help. Many doctors I phoned did not know about hair pulling. Here we were sixteen years later and still many doctors were not aware of compulsive hair pulling. After searching for days, I find a doctor who knows of this disorder and has seen and treated other patients. This doctor has an anxiety control clinic within his practice. He tells me that this is anxiety and he can teach me biofeedback along with panic attack stress relieving techniques. I participated in a weekly intense program for six weeks. I give it my all and I am still pulling. The doctor starts me on a medication, which is not on the market. It is called Prozac. I had never taken any medications before this. My husband as well as my parents and I sat down and had a long discussion about taking this experimental medication, More than anything I wanted freedom from pulling and if a pill could stop my pulling then I wanted to try it. We decided that my Mother would stay with me for the first week during the daytime because my biggest fear was that I would not be able to properly take care of our eight-month-old son through possible side effects from the medication. I start the medication, within days I feel so happy; I feel free; the depression I had carried around all those years due to compulsive hair pulling seem to be lifted. Then, the unthinkable happened! I stopped pulling my hair! My hair started growing back. The doctor tells me this medication along with what he has taught me has brought about recovery. Oh, happy day! I am so excited. My sister picks me up and we go to the hair salon. I am thirty-one years old and for the first time in my life I am able to get a hair cut. Three weeks after my trip to the salon, I am pulling again. I call the doctor. I share with him that it feels like my brain is overriding the medication. The doctor increases the medication. I still pull. Weeks of dosage changes will not stop the pulling. Ken takes me to the doctor again. The doctor tells me he does not know of any other resources within his knowledge to help me stop pulling my hair out. We leave the office. Tears roll from my eyes the entire forty-five minute trip home. Ken places his hand on my knee; no words are spoken. This knot is just hanging in my throat. During the previous six months, while my hair was growing out, I felt better about myself than I had felt in years. The medication I was on blocked my low self-esteem.

During this time God brought two very powerful people into my life as support: Randy, and a neighbor who lived two doors down. Randy I had come to know through a doctor. He suffered and suffers to date from obsessive compulsive disorder. Randy is the friend with whom I have shared many emotion with, regarding hair pulling we both have had to walk in isolation within our strongholds. I will share more later on how Randy offered me lifesaving support. The other friend God brought into my life is a lady who lives two doors down from me. While I was in my glory time of having hair, one day I saw her outside playing with her oldest toddler. Before I could think I was on her lawn talking with her. In the weeks that followed, we began to take walks together while strolling with our children. One day while we were walking she invited me to a ladies night out dinner at her church. I accepted.  It was for the following month. At the time I accepted the invitation my hair was growing; by the time it was the evening of the dinner, I was again battling to cover bald spots. It took me two hours to cover the baldness. I call my friend and told her I would meet her at the church. I was a nervous wreck by the time I got there. I was so angry with God, I could not believe I was sitting in a church eating dinner with three hundred women listening while they shared how wonderful Jesus was. After all if God made me, I was not too impressed, and I wanted to know what I had done to God for him to send this curse to me? Yes, I was pretty bitter. It is clear to me today that it was not by mistake that God had brought this woman into my life. It would take years for me to reach a point where I could look back and see how mightily God orchestrated our friendship. My friend kept inviting Ken and me to church with her and her husband. I would find polite ways to put it off. One day my friend told me of a mother's morning out program at the church.  She suggested we place our children one morning a week in this program and that would give us free time to go shopping and have breakfast out. I accepted. The more time I spent with her, the more I could see she was really excited about Jesus Christ. I can remember thinking "What is with her?" and "What am I doing hanging with this Christian woman?" I had been raised within Christianity but I had not spent much time in church nor had I studied the bible much. I also did not believe that it was important to share or discuss the Christian faith with others. 

I try yet another therapist; this would be my final attempt at therapy. The doctor is so cold and impersonal. After the second visit he pulls out a large mirror. He asks me to pull my hair out in front of him. I tell him I do not feel like pulling at that moment. He insists. I run out of his office into Ken's arms. We went home. I was now at the bottom of this pit called Trichotillomania. The next few weeks I went into a really bad depression. I can remember Ken would have to pull me out of bed. He would tell me "We have to fight this thing, Camilla". He would say "Don't you dare give up." I felt all hopes of recovery were gone. On the inside I felt like I was wrapped in chains. I felt so worthless.

Ken and I started going to church every Sunday. Those days were really difficult. I remember we would sneak into the church and grab a back seat while everyone else was praying.  We did this because the sanctuary had such bright lights and a balcony. I felt like people behind me or above me would see my baldness. When the sermon was over and people were praying and going forward to join the church, we would sneak back out again. I can remember thinking "Boy, that pastor sure is excited about Jesus Christ." Then I would think to myself "Yeah, but he's not had to go through the pain I have." The more we went, the more intrigued I became. Why were these people so happy? They must have something I did not have. I would think to myself, "Why does God love them more than He loves me?" I was trying with every part of my being to trust the Lord but for me He did not feel real. I would pray every morning, "God, please help me feel you." I had tried everything else this world had to offer to counteract my hair pulling. I had seen many therapists which I feel had tried their hardest to help me. I had participated in hypnosis, biofeedback, anxiety control and medications. Up until this point I had never really turned to God for help. I placed God on a shelf and only took him off the shelf when things really became difficult. There had always been a part of me that felt like it was my responsibility to fix this. When I look back I feel that God was always waiting to help me. He just needed me to reach a point where I needed him more than I needed recovery. He had already cared enough to bring a person into our lives to lead us back to church. God was already leading and preparing my heart for recovery. At this time in my life I was learning how to wait patiently for the Lord.

CHAPTER THREE:    Jesus said "I have told you all these things while I am with you. But the Helper will teach you everything and will cause you to remember all that I told you. This helper is the Holy Spirit whom the father will send in my name." "I leave you peace; my peace I give you. I do not give it to you as the world does. So don't let your heart be troubled or afraid."  John 14 :25-27

Several years have gone by and I am still pulling. With each day that passes, I am more focused on Jesus Christ. Over the past few years I have had some rough days regarding my hair pulling. I have now found out about the Trichotillomania Learning Center and have talked with Christina, the founder. I know that there is a local support group in my area but I just can't make myself go. I spend a lot of time on the phone with my friend Randy. He always makes me feel better, understanding how I feel. We share many things including our faith in Jesus Christ. Ken is still as supportive as ever. Our son is now in school and I am working at the local hospital. I am just getting by and wondering why God does not hear my prayers.

On November 4, 1994, I was walking across our dining room after opening the blinds. The sun was rising and the light flooded the room. As I looked up, I caught my reflection in a mirror on the wall. I could see the shadow of my head under a lightly teased amount of hair. I closed the blinds to block out the sun. As I crossed the room I just fell to the floor crying. It was like Trichotillomania had taken me down for the last fight.  I was now in a fight for my life. I could hear these howls of pain come from my soul, out of my mouth. With my face in the carpet, crying harder than I had ever cried over this disorder, I began to verbally cry out to Jesus. I cried, "Lord, if you are everything our Pastor says you are then I need your help more than I have ever needed you before. Lord ,"I cried," I can not live this way one more moment. God help me.  I cried out with every part of my soul and body "God have mercy on me, I can not carry the load of Trichotillomania one more moment. I remember crying out to the Lord saying “ You said who so ever call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved” I now know that at that time I needed salvation and I also needed God to save me from the storm of hair pulling. I was sobbing and very broken emotionally and spiritually. Suddenly, I felt warmth and light cover my mind and body. At the same time, an incredible sense of peace fell upon me. I raised my face from the floor. With my eyes I saw nothing but knew, without being told or without any doubt whatsoever, that I was in the presence of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit  was awesome in knowledge but even more so was the incredible amount of love I felt surrounding me. Never seeing, only feeling this, I will share that, on that morning, it felt as if Jesus picked me up in his arms and swaddled me like a baby.  At that moment I felt covered in sin… sin which I had never recognized before this moment. It felt as if I were dead and He gave me mouth to mouth resuscitation. I could feel all this bitterness I had felt toward Him and others related to the hair pulling being removed from me. It felt like all the years of pain I felt regarding hair pulling had now left my soul. At that point, every part of my soul was filled with joy and peace. That is why I say I was truly born again, baptized in the Holy Spirit and given a blessing bath on this day and that mercy and grace found me. There are no words to adequately describe this the most special day of my life. I remember placing my hair pulling at the foot of the cross that day. Tears flowing, I vowed never to carry the load of compulsive hair pulling again. I totally turned it over to my savior Jesus Christ. When I got up off the dining room floor I had a peace and joy in my soul I had never felt before. I was still pulling my hair out but now I knew, without doubt, that Jesus Christ was with me and that I was not alone. It was weeks before I shared this visitation with my husband and parents. I kept thinking they would think I was crazy. I mean, here I was twenty-four years into pulling and now I say Jesus Christ spent time healing me emotionally in the dining room. Once again, my husband and parents were supportive.

In the weeks and months to come, I had a new love for the bible. I was like a sponge drinking up every word. I would study the bible, praise Jesus for his visitation through the Holy Spirit and then I would just be still and wait and pray for his guidance.

Every morning I could not wait for my prayer time. I would get my bible and go to the dining room and sit in the spot where I had the visitation from the Holy Spirit. I would feed my soul with the guidance of the bible, sometimes as much as three hours at a time. I would get lost in God's word. I praised God for the new joy I felt in my soul. I would fill our home with Christian praise music and just cry tears of joy and dance with the Lord for I knew without doubt God loved me and that He cared about my well being. I was like a sponge drinking all the information about Jesus Christ that I could. I would go to the Christian book store and purchase book after book. We started going to both Sunday services. Every Sunday, God was teaching me his truth about obedience. I knew now why our pastor talked about being consumed with God. I was now consumed and I felt better than I had ever felt in my life. I was excited to know Jesus Christ was very much alive and changing my life. He was filling the void I had felt in my soul for so many years.

CHAPTER FOUR:  After you have suffered a little while, the God of grace will himself restore you. 1 Peter 5:10

In March of 1995, Ken and I were in San Antonio, Texas. The corporation, which Ken worked for, was honoring the top fifty sales people with a trip and awards dinner. Ken was to be presented with the title of top salesperson in the United States for the corporation he worked for. I was so happy for him. So here we are in the presidential suite of the St. Anthony's Inn. I should be enjoying this trip. I start to panic as Ken explains to me that we will be called up to the stage in front of one hundred or more people for him to receive his award. For the first time since my visitation from the Holy Spirit, four months prior, I was nervous and upset. It was Ken's day to be recognized and he had always been so supportive of me. I felt like I would be such an embarrassment to him if I went up on the stage. I was truly full of fear; I had spent most of my life hiding not wishing to be noticed, and there was no way out of this situation which should be filled with joy. I remember thinking I should have brought my wig. But I had refused to wear it for months now. As Ken leaves the room for morning meetings, the front desk in the lobby calls to remind me of the ladies tour that the company has scheduled. It was to be a day of sightseeing, shopping and lunch out. I decide to stay at the hotel because I am afraid that they will not return early enough for me to have time to work on my hair. Some days, it took me as long as two hours to fix my hair before I felt it was presentable to the point were baldness was not seen. Here I sat in this wonderful suite. I should be with the other ladies sightseeing. I should be happy for the experience as well as the recognition my husband is to receive but instead I am crying and slipping back into the chains of pain which God had removed. Crying, I reach for my bible. I start reading some of the scriptures I have highlighted in the last four-months, those that offer me the most comfort. I pray and ask Jesus to forgive me for taking back these feelings of pain regarding hair pulling. He had already shown me He was willing to shoulder the burden. I drop to the floor and pray for his light and strength for the evening to come. I closed my prayer with  "Father, You say I can do all thing through You, Christ, who strengthens me, I depend on You, Lord, to get me through tonight. Amen." After my prayer time, I feel better. I turn the television on and there before my eyes is a program on a product called Jose' Eber's secret hair. As I watch I start thinking this product could work for me. It is real hair on clips that attach into the hair that you have and is natural looking. By the time the program was over, I was so excited, so thankful. Ken comes into the room and I tell him with all the excitement of a child about this product. We look through television channels and find the show again. Ken watches the program and we ordered it that evening. I became so excited I believe with all of my heart this hair product was a gift from God because He knew my heart, and He knew I was trying with all my soul to be obedient and trust in him regarding Trichotillomania. Although I am still at a very young walk with Jesus Christ, I have found that when I seek his will for my life even though sometimes it is difficult, He usually gives me more than my heart desired. This hair product was just one of those gifts.  As it turned out when the awards were given that evening, the president of the company asked that only the top ten men in sales come to the stage. I remember looking up through a crystal chandelier and in a silent prayer whispering "Thank You, Lord."  The hair product was delivered to our home a few weeks later. When I put it into my hair it felt so natural and looked so real I just started to cry. I remember saying to Ken "I feel so pretty for the first time." Everyday I would get up and praise the Lord for this product. At that time, I felt like this was the blessing of my life because I never thought I would stop pulling my hair.

CHAPTER FIVE:   Jesus said to her, "Dear woman, you are made well because you believed. Go in peace; be healed of your disease."        Mark 5: 43

On August 23, 1995, I was in my prayer time with the Lord, praising and thanking Him for the peace I felt in my life. I was still praising Him for the hair product. By this time, it had been nine months and nineteen days since I had been on the dining room floor, broken. God had done many things in these months. We had become more involved in our church. Our home life had a new type of peace in it. Ken and I were praying together for the first time in our lives.  As I prayed that August morning, I reached a point in my prayer where I felt Jesus tell me my hair pulling was over. I remember crying with joy. When I got up from the table, logical thinking told me it must be my imagination, but the Lord had been so faithful as to guide me through the pain of Trichotillomania in these last nine months, how could I just dismiss this   feeling so deep within my soul?  I had learned to listen to God's quiet voice deep within my soul and use it to better navigate me through this bondage called Trichotillomania. The next few hours resulted in an absence of hair pulling. When Ken came home, I shared with him what Jesus had told me in my prayer time. Ken was excited and said "Just follow what Jesus has told you and see where He takes you." To date, Jesus has taken me down a path of a seven years recovery from compulsively pulling out my hair. There have been days when my brain has sent the message to pull, but through God's strength I can override the command. Some days are more difficult than others. I have found that over time it becomes easier and easier to dismiss the urge. One of the biggest seeds of truth that the Lord gave me in the area of accountability towards compulsive hair pulling came through prayer. One day in prayer the Lord spoke to my heart showing me that if I could control when and where I pulled meaning I would never pull in front of another person then I was not dealing with chemical problems within my brain but yet a stronghold habit to hair pulling. This thought process has been how Jesus set me free, through an accountability level with him. There is no doubt in my mind that Jesus Christ has done a renewing within my mind through his grace and mercy. In 1997 I came off all medications and my victory from compulsive hair pulling has come through a more personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

The past seven years has been a growth process in social skills and experiencing real feelings. I believe. without medications, I am forced to feel my feelings and sometimes that can be difficult without using my hair as a substance to not feel, however, the other side of this is that God is growing me and teaching me as an individual and that part feels wonderful. I have come to see that there are many layers of recovery for me. I once believed that to have hair would make my life perfect; well, it does make life easier but not perfect. I do not believe life is about perfection; life is a learning process and in the process I have learned to trust God with all my heart.

To date, God has opened many doors for me. I suppose the two greatest gifts He has given me outside my family has been the joy of meeting and forming friendships with other individuals who suffer from Trichotillomania. The second gift has been the joy of joining Him in his desire to form Trichotillomania Christian Ministries as well as support groups for adults, children and parents of children who suffer from compulsive hair pulling. In our group meetings we share our feelings about Trichotillomania. We discuss all aspects of recovery while looking to the Lord for guidance. Over the years the Lord has given me the blessing of witnessing both children and adults overcome compulsive hair pulling through His grace and mercy. Our support groups are aware that while we are meeting we are being prayed for by intercessory pray teams from several churches. Sometimes the children even write letters of prayer request to the members and they in return pray for and correspond with the children who write. 

I am commonly asked two questions when gathered together with other individuals who suffer from Trichotillomania. The first question is "Did all of your hair grow back?" My answer is "No, about 85 percent of my hair came back." In the crown area of my head, the hair is very thin. Today, when I see the thinness of hair in this area, I look at it as a blessing. It is my crown of glory. With the knowledge that my hands did not recently create this thinness, it is a constant reminder of how far God has brought me. The second question I am asked is “ Do you think you will ever pull your hair again?” I answer the question by saying ,I do have faith in Christ that I have been delivered from compulsive hair pulling. I do not know what the future holds but I do know who holds my future and Jesus Christ is my anchor. Among my favorite scriptures is one that the apostle Paul shares in II Corinthians 5:17-18: "If anyone belongs to Christ, there is a new creation. The old things have gone; everything is made new! All this is from God. Through Jesus Christ, God made peace between us and himself, and God gave us the work of telling everyone about the peace we can have with him."                                                       

My deepest prayer is that all individuals who suffer from Trichotillomania will come to a place of recovery in whatever way God chooses. Today, I embrace Trichotillomania, for without it I may have never reached a point where I reached for God, and I feel that alone has been worth the journey. If you do not know Jesus as your personal savior I encourage you to invite Jesus Christ into you life today! I pray blessings upon your life in the name above all names Jesus Christ.

In Adoration to Him,

Camilla