THEN
TO NOW
Deliverance from bondage to hair pulling
By Linda Phillips
As a small child I was very sensitive and also very moody, and possibly depressed. I took a lot of emotions in and
didn't know what to do with them so not being very verbal I just internalized them. For some
reason I couldn't
express myself to my parents they had issues of there own. So needless to say I began weird behaviors, probably to get some attention. I am the oldest of 4 kids and we are all close in age. I was 3 when my brother
was
born and that seems to be the age I began my weirdness. Thumb sucking was sure a great attention getter. Lots
of negative
attention, then later, because I cried so much I started rubbing my eyes and then began to pull at my eye lashes. We
all inherited very curly kinky hair and about 6th grade it was really out of control. Everyone had long straight hair and mine just went straight out. Besides my dad didn't like long hair and wanted my sister and my hair to be very very short. Well, being rebellious i wanted my hair long and boy did I get heck for it. Not only did my parents think it look horrid so did my 6th grade teacher. He seemed to make fun of me all the time in front of the class and of course I would pretend it was all funny and laugh too. But on my walk home I would cry and feel the pain of rejection. I couldn't talk to anyone about it so I held it in. That year in school I began pulling out my head hair in class and at the end of the day I
would have quite
a large pile of hair on the floor below my desk. Mortified I would scoop it up and wonder if anyone was watching me. I'm sure they were and no one said
a
word. By 7th grade I had to wear a scarf to cover up my bald spots, and wearing the same scarf every day meant that it began to get noticed by the bullies. So as my scarf was tossed around the halls a few times, I was just devastated. I had to think of another way to cover up the spots. I discovered mascara. I would use that on my scalp to cover and scrape out a part. I was quite a sight and I did everything I could do to avoid bright lights and people sitting behind me. Everything I did became ruled by my hair loss problem.
So my life of being a slave to hair pulling, lasting for 25 long years. During that time I sought out many worldly solutions to a fife long addiction. From drugs to acupuncture, counseling to prayer revivals you name It I probably tried it. I attended and facilitated many support groups appeared on the TLC personal stories video, also exposed my bare head on a local television program. Attended retreats and hosted over-niters with my many fellow pullers all the while still pulling. Searching but not finding a solution or the right combination of things to make my life free from the dark secret that my family had to hide now too. The realization that no one really had an answer and there was really no solution or cure became a reality. Life was beginning to become unbearable I was approaching 40 and now had no idea what it was like to not be a hair puller. I was hungry for a solution and I was running out of sources the world had to offer. So to speak, the well was running dry. It was the world's water. Water that kept me thirsty for more, (John 4:14) and never satisfied. Jeremiah 2:13 says "my people have committed two sins. They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that can not hold water." I believe that after eleven years of actively searching for answers, using all my strength to overcome, it finally occurred to me there is nothing out there but feel good cures. Was I that full of myself to think I could overcome this on my own strength and not really believe God could help me? I was embarrassed and ashamed even to ask God. Finally in my spirit I heard that still small voice, like the one crying in the wilderness saying make way for the Lord, make straight paths for Him (Matt 3:13). For 12 years I have confessed my faith and I was proud to be a Christian. I experienced the moving of the Holy Spirit in my life. God revealed His Son to me and I understood my salvation was in Him. I knew He forgave my sins and I believed the Bible was the infallible word of God. All the bible studies I was in continued to increase my understanding of the mighty works and attributes of God and his word. Then it was revealed to me, I had gained so much head knowledge. I did what I was good at, gaining understanding by my work and own strength. Thinking it was up to me to now understand God, to fit Him into my plan. To make up religious work for me and award me with accomplishments and goals, I could say "oh yes, I was in the study or that study. Yes, I have been through this course or that course, read this book or that book", like that made me holier. Then God opened my eyes to True understanding. Proverbs 3:5-9 says, Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight. In continues to say do not be wise in your own eyes, fear the Lord and shun evil for this will bring health to your bones. I was brought to my knees. He spoke to me personally the promise in Psalms 103:1-5. As I lay on the floor next to my bed weeping and wallowing I was broken to the very core. He heard my cry and not just my cry but my heart. I wanted to know Him, to know if he was really real. He showed me how rebellious I had been, He convicted me of many selfish ways and desires. But most of all He tenderly spoke to me through His word and gave me a promise of hope. He didn't forget me, He forgave me, He healed me, He redeemed me, He crowned me, He satisfied me, and He renewed me. That was in May of 1997. I am forever changed.
Today January of 2005, I can say by the Grace of God there has not been one hair intentionally pulled from my head since the Lord pulled me from the pit. Praise and Glory to Him and Him alone.
In Christ
Linda